Performance Evaluation I just got out of a performance review. On a scale from 1 to 5, I got an average of 4.30. This falls in a high strong category. The review basically went well. The boss basically used the sandwich technique. She said a few nice words. Then she slips in the knife and twist a few times. It’s called the “areas for improvement.” And then she pats me on my way. My “areas for improvement” are my interpersonal skills and my problem solving/decision. In interpersonal skills, she recommended that I adjust tactics to achieve desired results and not be like “a bull in a How do you feel about evaluating another person’s performance in a few words on a piece of paper? Do you think it actually describes the person? Who should evaluate a person’s progress and achievement?
Uncategorized
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Adam’s Apple
Adam ate the apple and it got stuck in his throat. He could not swallow it because he was feeling divided. One half of him wanted to eat and explore. The other half was afraid.
To really want to grow, mature, and learn what life is all about, we mustn’t create anymore Adam’s apple. Life is for those who know how to commit – how to say “yes” and “no” to something decisively. Sometimes we commit to the wrong thing, but it is still good to commit because we can always get out of it the day we know that it is wrong. The very least we will have learned is never to get into anything like that again. It gives us a great experience and brought us closer to truth. So, do things totally so we can swallow them and digest them.
Do you think we should teach our children to commit to as many mistakes as possible with a condition that they are not to commit the same mistake twice?
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Active Laziness
Sitting alone we feel restless. We want to always do something. We want to go to the mall, to the grocery stores, to run errands. We get involved in countless activities including volunteer works, Xanga, read, sadoku, TV, games, computer, cook, clean, wash and so on. We are too busy engaging in active laziness.
We are more interested in going out than going in. Why? Because it is too overwhelming to deal with the suppressed thoughts and emotions inside. We are fearful of the thousands of shits bubbling inside and in any moment they can explode. We don’t want to witness when the shits hit the fan. So it is better not to be there and escape somewhere else.
We may say that we would like to rest, but nobody wants to rest because if we really rest, it automatically becomes meditation and we start falling inwards and fear grips us. So we continue going to the mall, taking the kids to some functions, doing volunteer works, working overtime, watching TV, fixing the computer, engaging in a cause, and you get my sarcasm…
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Nurturing our partnership
One way of showing love to another person is to take the time to know and be with that person. How often do we take the time to do something thoughtful for our partner? How often do we take the time to listen, support and connect? When we don’t take the time to nurture our partnership, the relationship goes hungry. Impatience, judgment and distrust set in. Communication gets sloppy. Inner temperature rise and conflicts begin to brew. Partnership can not be a secondary thing. It can’t come after work and other responsibilities. It must come first. If we choose to be in relationship, our responsibility to connect with our partner becomes as important as our responsibility to connect with our inner self. They are equally important. We don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day to nurture our partnership.
Today, my spiritual practice is to accept my husband the way he is. No matter what he says or does, I am to accept as gracefully as I can. If he spills the wine on our new floor, I am not to fuss about it. If he is depressed, I am not to complain about his grumpiness. I am not to yell, criticize or complain. I am not to be sarcastic. I am not to reference the past. I am simply to accept. Moreover, I am going to reassure him that I love him. I will ask if there is anything I can do to make his life easier. Today, I let nothing interfere with love for my husband. I put him first and let everything else come afterward.
What will you do for your partnership today?
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I have friends that are struggling with their faith. They are uncomfortable calling themselves Christians or Buddhists. For Christian’s friends, they believe in the teachings of Jesus, but they don’t believe in the concepts of sins and the virgin birth. For Buddhist friends, they believe in other valuable teachings but they don’t believe in the actual reincarnation and a few minor rules. As a result, my friends have difficult time fitting in any churches or temples. My experiences conclude that most traditional churches and temples do not tolerate diversity well. Because of this, they lose members who are exploring their spirituality in an authentic way.
We assumed that we go to church or temple to be with people who believe the same thing we do. If this is true, then churches and temples simply legitimize narrow-mindedness and prejudice. Anyone can find someone who agrees with his beliefs. Anyone can create a religion for insiders and exclude those who would challenge his beliefs. This has nothing to do with spirituality. It has more to do with the insecurities of the individual and his tendency to capitulate to the tyranny of the group mind.
Only by honoring the unique spiritual experiences of their membership, while emphasizing the commonality, can churches and temples speak to the deeper spiritual needs of their member. Dogma and religious hierarchies no longer make people feel safe and secure. Face to face interactions, simple participatory rituals of singing and dancing that help people open their hearts to each other are what establish the emotional bonds of community. Mutual respect and tolerance for differences are essential to creation of a safe and loving space. It is not necessary for people to have the same beliefs to experience spiritual communion with one another. Communion happens in spite of the mind, not because of it. Communion happens through the extension of love and non-judgment. It can happen anywhere, with any group of people, if they are committed to inclusive, unconditional love.
The time has come for us to redefine our churches and temples. Do we want our churches and temples to remain places where mind clings to linear beliefs in fearful agreement? Or do we want our churches and temples to become places of self-exploration, where differences are welcome? Love, not agreement, must become the bond that holds the community together.
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Crucifixion and Resurrection
We think our actions condemn us for all time. We think that God is vengeful and will punish us for our mistakes. Do you think this is the God Jesus knows or this is the God created out of human fear and guilt?
I think the God Jesus knows and serves shows us how to learn from our mistakes. The God Jesus knows forgives and encourages us to make loving restitution toward those we have injured.
The questions remain: why did Jesus came and what was the reason for his death? I think he came to teach us that no sin is unforgivable that every being deserves love, including those who strike out against others in their fear and pain. Jesus did not die to save us from our sins, nor did he die to condemn us for crucifying him. He died simply because we could not recognize him in us.
Even now we do not recognize Christ—the anointed one – within us. Christ’s resurrection is but a symbol and promise of that recognition. It does not matter whether he took his physical body with him into the light. What matter is that, in the total recognition of the light, bodies become insignificant. When love is present, we no longer need to know or understand how we are different from one another.
In our resurrection in the light, life and death become one and the same. There is no life except in the death of all that separates us from love. Jesus is not the only one who has been crucified nor is he the only one who will be resurrected from the prison of pain. His passion is just a metaphor for our own.
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Emotional Affair
It seemed like nothing at first. The man and woman met on Xanga. The man, who is married, and the woman, who is single, spent time instant messaging about their personal life. The man began revealing his feelings of distress about his marriage. The female listened, empathized and sometimes offered up the pain-filled details of her relationships. They decided to meet each other once or twice. No physical contact. They continued sending each other email. They instant message. Each time they talked on the computer, the emotional connection deepened.
Psychologists call an affair without any physical touching extramarital emotional involvement, emotional infidelity or an emotional affair. An emotional infidelity is about consistently sharing with someone things that you are not sharing with your spouse. What is less understood is that an emotional affair can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair. In emotional affairs, deep, personal intimacies are traded, instead of fantasies of the flesh. Friendships found over the Internet begin and develop quickly when someone connects with a person who appears to be empathetic and who shares common interests.
It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may not be a romantic or sexual attraction at first. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing conflict, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their ‘friend’ for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun. The emotional infidelity begins when two people share information about problems in their primary relationship that their respective partner would feel was a violation.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
If we find ourselves or our partner developing an emotional affair, we must put our attention on our primary relationship as soon as possible. We must get help to understand why we drifted to this other person in the first place. We must begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in our primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict is merely escaping and avoiding other issues. These issues won’t go away. They will resurface again should we develop a real relationship with our emotional affair partner. We may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting ourselves and our partner through a terrible crisis.
What is your position on emotional affair?
Notes from the Relationship Institute.
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The Signals Send – Positive and Negative
If you would like to find out what type of personality best described you, double click here.
One – The Perfectionist
Positive Signal
Ones challenge you to correct action and effort. You can count on their keeping their promises and accepting responsibility to make things right. The buck stops there. They value right action for its own sake without expectation of benefits. Virtue is its own reward. They can inspire you with, and show you, the joy of a job well done. Perfection of skills, effort, and character can lead to self-reliance and an independent life. They project ethical idealism and push to embody the ideal. Making the world a better place. In touch with the practical areas of life: health, honesty, right livelihood, good fun.
Negative Signal
The One’s criticality and the superior stance make you feel inferior, rejected, and alienated. Feels like you seldom get it right. Ones always see room for improvement. Criticism is a kind of compliment, a proof of caring. “We should try for perfection.” Emotions have to be controlled. Perfectionism sidetracks pleasure and spontaneity.
Famous Ones
· Emily Post, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Mary Poppins, George Bernard Shaw, Charles Dickens, jerry Falwell, Martin Luther.
· Ynottw
Two – The Giver
Positive Signal
Two make you feel special, that you’re worth it, you’re worth the time. Being helped and considered. Romantic meetings. Sensitive care. There’s magical quality in relating. A story book flavor. Twos represent your interests. They interface with people you need to know. Your prospects are kept alive. Twos send a signal of exuberant aliveness. Energetic and expressive. Willfully and willing. Two will do for others what others normally do for themselves.
Negative Signal
You may experience Twos as dependent. They want a lot of your time. The ongoing demand for emotional excitement can be draining. You’re expected to be inspiring. You’re expected to confide. Feeling nudged into their agenda. Wondering who calls the shots. Once you were wonderful, now you’re less intriguing. You feel that your life has been subtly rearranged.
Famous Twos
· Madonna, Elvis Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Mary Magdalene, Jerry Lewis, Dolly Pardon.
· PilgrimOfTruth, shrek_azn, insertcreativeusername, gentlefootprint, chelseathi, momofjenmatt
Three – The Performer
Positive Signal
Threes project an optimistic worldview. “We can make it happen.” You’ll find them enthusiastic and encouraging. There is hope in action. They come across a highly practical, dedicated to the goal, to the team, to the family, to a result. Performers can be dedicated leaders: you can count on them to take responsibility, to stay with it, to be willing to do the most.
Negative Signal
You may Perceive that the Three doesn’t care about you, especially about your feelings. Threes can look artificial or superficial because they change to give the crowd what it wants. Things and goals may matter more than people to them. Difficulty in relaxing, in letting go, being on vacation. As a Three cuts corners on relationship time, softening truth with partial truths, you can feel manipulated by a Three’s accomplishment agenda. Threes can let personal friends disappear, while work friends stay.
Famous Threes
· Werner Erhard, Ronald Reagan, Walt Disney, Farrah Fawcett, John F. Kennedy.
Four – The Tragic Romantic
Positive Signal
Four conduct their lives as works of art and create art to express their lives. Dedicated to passion, they draw you into the cycle of love and hate, creativity and pain. They want your feelings. They plunge you into emotional depths. They can immerse you in every dimension of feeling.
Negative Signal
Fours can make you feel that you aren’t enough, that you’re not quite worthy of their attentions. Something you’ve done has failed the Four. If you were different, they would be happy. It’s your fault. You get resistance when you try to help and feel guilty that you haven’t done more. You feel hurt and alienated by Four’s sarcastic rejection in the push-away phase of intimacy. You have to pick up the pieces of recurrent crisis cycle. Their feelings take priority to yours.
Famous Fours
· Martha Graham, Keats, Shelley, Alan Watts, Joni Mitchell, Orson Welles, Bette Davis, Joan Baez, Marlon Brando
· NightComesOn, yet_still_learning, ronlawhouston
Five – The Observer
Positive Signal
Appreciative of an unencumbered lifestyle, Fives bring a delicacy of perception to relationship. Scholarly, knowing, and thoughtful, a voyager in the realms of mind. Fives are sensitive in their tastes. Ascetic and aesthetic. A single cushion in an empty room. A delicate sliver of something to eat. Dispassionate and calm in crisis. The one who others can safely confide.
Negative Signal
Partners may feel frozen out by Fives. You feel unconnected, neglected. The five’s on going privacy needs feel like signals of rejection. The burden of initiation and confrontation fall on you. The Five’s self-control reads as hoarding time, space, energy, and access to themselves. You get signal of superiority and secrecy—intellectual arrogance, an appearance of being above emotional expression and beyond the need to explain.
Famous Fives
· J. Paul Getty, Emily Dickinson, Jeremy Irons, The Buddha, Meryl Streep, Franz Kafka.
Six – The Trooper
Positive Signal
Sixes exhibit strong loyalty to the trusted few, the cause, the protector, and friends. They keep faith with the powerless, with those who are afraid. The Six plays the devil’s advocate; daring to question. You’ll find Sixes creative thinkers, with discriminating minds and refined powers of imagination. Troopers can be steadfast in their commitments while remaining fully aware of their partner’s negative tendencies. They love who you are, not your image.
Negative Signal
Sixes tend to engage in projection—reading things into relationships that aren’t there; to control through overprotectiveness—securing the bunker, wanting to be safe; not to inform others about changes in thinking or to report doubt attacks. They’re ambivalent about things turning out well, which leads to procrastination, avoidance, and history of incompletion. Difficulties with authority are expressed in both submission and rebellion. Expect contrary thinking: ”Yes, but…”; taking the opposite view.
Famous Sixes
· Woody Allen, Godon Liddy, Krishnamurti, Jane Fonda, Rev. Jim Jones, Sherlock Holmes, Hitler (counterphobic), Hamlet (phobic)
Seven – The Epicure
Positive Signal
Playful and positive. Imaginative and inventive. Daily tasks are infused with pleasure; a fascinating approach to life. Significants are buoyed by optimistic visions of the future and encouraged to accept their full potential. Sevens can make the ordinary seem extravagant and bountiful. Simple walks in the park can become points of convergence for cycles of nature and the seasons. The laughter of a child expands through time and space.
Negative Signal
Sevens’ narcissistic preoccupation with personal agendas and pleasures makes them seem uncaring or unreliable. You begin to feel inferior to a Seven. The Seven is open-minded and spontaneous, but you’re narrow-minded and attached. Anger, depression, and other so-called negative emotions mark you as a lesser being; if you were more evolved, you wouldn’t feel that way. When Sevens feel threatened, they take a superior stance. Your opinions are a mark of lesser vision.
Famous Sevens
· Zonker, Ram Dass, Thoreau, Peter Pan, Kurt Vonnegut, Groucho Marx, Rajneesh, Tom Robbins.
· lennbell, momofjenmatt, ronet41
Eight – The Boss
Positive Signal
Eights can offer incredible support to their loved ones. They want to empower people, to test and to trust; to trust you enough to become a part of their lives. They bring excitement and intensity to a relationship. They invite you to the life force, to plug into the juice. They move forward into contact and are willing to explore the domains of pleasure and satisfaction. They are courageous, determined, and persistent, fair minded, truthful, straightforward, and unpretentious. What you see is what you get.
Negative Signal
They defend their excessive behavior by denial and anger, often with a counteraccusation to the significant—“I’m not a controlling person, but you are,” “I don’t make trouble, but you do.” Eights can take over through intimidation and intrusion. They can transgress boundaries when their misdirected sense of justice leads to violations of rights and property. Eights can punish the people they love, and when denial lifts, they also punish themselves without mercy. Blame turns inward when they see their own role in their difficulties.
Famous Eights
· Henry VIII, Fritz Perls, Gurdjieff, Madame Blavatsky, Pablo Picasso, Sean Penn, Nietzsche, Eldridge Cleaver, Garfield the Cat.
Nine – The Mediator
Positive Signal
You’ll experience Nines supporting the lives of others as their own. They are caring and attentive, often aware of what is essentially good about other people. Giving, compromising, adaptive, and receptive. Highly productive and happy when on track. Welcoming a safe structure. A bulwark in other people’s lives. Able to offer nonjudgmental regard.
Negative Signal
Nines often seem passive aggressive and stubborn, as missing the point, or detached, even out of it. Their dispersion of energy and focus makes it look like “everything” is equally important, which makes you feel unimportant. Nines will seem to be in agreement when they may not be. They want to keep things comfortable, to give what’s familiar, which may not be what you really need. You’ll see them space-out or move into substitutes for real needs: TV, food, habits that drain energy and slow the relationship down.
Famous Nines
· US Postal Service, Julia Child, Luciano Pavarotti, Buckminister Fuller, Oblavmov, Eisenhowser, Alfred Hitchcock, Ringo Starr.
· infinitezone1, Zeal4living, gentlefootprint, momofjenmatt
Notes from The Enneagram in Love and Work by Helen Palmer.
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Worldview and Spiritual Path
One – The Perfectionist
Worldview
The world is an imperfect place. I work toward perfection.
Spiritual Path
A preoccupation with error points for perfection. From the spiritual perspective, the child felt anger at being separated from the perfect environment of essence. Anger is focused on violations of standards. The commitment to perfections is at stake. Anger disturbs the serenity of being in a perfectly balanced flow of events. Resentment develops from seeing the difference between life as it is and how much better life could be. The Perfectionist strategy is a child’s attempt to construct a perfect outer life both to cope with a critical world, and to protect the vulnerable sense of perfection. The search for perfection and a serene emotional life are both spiritual and psychological catalysts. The perfectionistic personality bias mimics the perfection of higher being.
Famous Ones
· Emily Post, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Mary Poppins, George Bernard Shaw, Charles Dickens, jerry Falwell, Martin Luther.
· Ynottw
Two – The Giver
Worldview
People depend on my help. I am needed.
Spiritual Path
Two’s involvement with pleasing people points to a search for will. From the spiritual perspective, the promptings of higher will were subverted when the child’s attention turned to flattery, which serves the will of others. Pride is an inflated sense of self-worth that masks dependency on approval and the humility of knowing our real worth to others. A Two’s bias toward strategic giving mimics the action of higher will. It is a child’s attempt both to survive by pleasing and to protect the sensitive connection to essence, one’s spiritual being.
Famous Twos
· Madonna, Elvis Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Mary Magdalene, Jerry Lewis, Dolly Pardon.
· PilgrimOfTruth, shrek_azn, insertcreativeusername, gentlefootprint, chelseathi, momofjenmatt
Three – The Performer
Worldview
The world values a champion. I must avoid failure.
Spiritual Path
The preoccupation with personal performance points to a search for hope. Threes place hope in their own efforts rather than in work aligned with universal principles. Vanity elevates personal achievement to a place of great psychological importance. Projecting the image of an achiever mimics honest efforts that are carried by universal energies. A high-profile image of productivity is a child’s attempt both to gain approval and to protect a connection to the powerful energies of essence. Deceit involves maintaining an image of success in the eyes of others. Hope and honest effort are both a psychological growth edge for Performers and potential access point to higher awareness.
Famous Threes
· Werner Erhard, Ronald Reagan, Walt Disney, Farrah Fawcett, John F. Kennedy.
Four – The Tragic Romantic
Worldview
Something is missing. Others have it. I have been abandoned.
Spiritual Path
Melancholy is a reminder that something is missing; it’s a sweet sadness based on the perception of loss. From the spiritual perspective, the child lost the connection with essence, or true being, when attention turned to matters of survival. Unsupported by the original source, the child became acutely sensitive to human abandonment and the loss of significant people. The longing for authentic bonds of connection swamps emotional equanimity in the pitch and roll the dramatic moods. Envy is a reminder that others seem to enjoy the happiness the Fours has been denied. Four’s search for authentic moments of connection mimics an ongoing awareness of essence. The search is motivated by the conviction that there is more than ordinary life. We would not be seeking if we were complete.
Famous Fours
· Martha Graham, Keats, Shelley, Alan Watts, Joni Mitchell, Orson Welles, Bette Davis, Joan Baez, Marlon Brando
· NightComesOn, yet_still_learning, ronlawhouston
Five – The Observer
Worldview
The world is invasive. I need privacy to think the to refuel my energies.
Spiritual Path
All of the potentials of essence are “paranormal” in the sense that their intelligence lies beyond the boundaries of thought. Omniscience clearly refers to a dimension of awareness that not mediated by intellect or analysis. It is an accurate knowing that appears before any data is analyzed, and it opens a broad range of nonlinear and predictive information that cannot be grasped by logical thought. Following the idea that aspects of essence are mimicked by the central preoccupations of type, the potential for omniscience or pure knowing is mimicked by a Five’s lifelong attachment to information and private study.
Stinginess toward oneself and others can guarantee some degree of that treasured independence, because when one has fewer needs, one feels less pressure to reach out. Greed, or avarice, can develop the resources that support private survival. Protecting knowledge, money, energy, and time becomes psychologically important. The desire to grasp reality through force of intellect can be seen as a child’s attempt both to detach from the painful emotions and to preserve a fragile connection to the nonattachment of mind that leads back to the essence awareness.
Famous Fives
· J. Paul Getty, Emily Dickinson, Jeremy Irons, The Buddha, Meryl Streep, Franz Kafka.
Six – The Trooper
Worldview
The world is a threatening place. I question authority.
Spiritual Path
Doubt involves a loss of faith. The child reacted with fear to losing the permanent security of essence, initiating a lifelong preoccupation with courage. Fear creates dependency on rules and protective authority, which mimics the certainty of faith. The Enneagram’s Fear type has a parallel in the Doubting Mind category of Buddhist practice, in which attention shifts from belief to intense internal questioning. Success and goodwill seem particularly doubtful. This cowardice and doubt of mind are a natural starting place from which to develop faith. The path of faith begins with the firmly hold beliefs seen in psychological mature people, but, like all the qualities that originate in essence, faith can transform consciousness.
Famous Sixes
· Woody Allen, Godon Liddy, Krishnamurti, Jane Fonda, Rev. Jim Jones, Sherlock Holmes, Hitler (counterphobic), Hamlet (phobic)
Seven – The Epicure
Worldview
The world is full of opportunity and options. I look forward to the future.
Spiritual Path
Work is a word in common usage that can used to describe an aspect of essence involving single pointed-attention. Spiritual work depends on the ability to shift inward and to tell the difference between outer and inner reality. If the mind becomes fascinated with the delights of outer life, then spiritual work deteriorates to pleasant planning and gluttony for life experience. Sobriety is another word in common usage that points to a return to essence through the route of moderation, concentration, and commitment.
Famous Sevens
· Zonker, Ram Dass, Thoreau, Peter Pan, Kurt Vonnegut, Groucho Marx, Rajneesh, Tom Robbins.
· lennbell, momofjenmatt, ronet41
Eight – The Boss
Worldview
The world is an unjust place. I defend the innocent.
Spiritual Path
Eight’s preoccupation with justice points to a search for truth. If undivided truth prevailed, control would be unnecessary. From a spiritual perspective, the child saw how truth could be distorted and innocence betrayed. Eights were once such innocents, vulnerable and without protection. The Eight child found that innocence was seen as weakness, that the strong dominated the weak, and that good things in life went to those to took control. The inevitable confrontation fueled vengeance and mobilized power, energy, and lust for the satisfaction on needs. Eights confuse their own subjective needs with objective truth. Maintaining a personal power base is confused with protective acts and mimics serving the objective truth. It is a child’s attempt both to ensure fair treatment and to protect the connection to the undivided truth of essence.
Famous Eights
· Henry VIII, Fritz Perls, Gurdjieff, Madame Blavatsky, Pablo Picasso, Sean Penn, Nietzsche, Eldridge Cleaver, Garfield the Cat.
Nine – The Mediator
Worldview
The world won’t value my efforts. Stay comfortable. Keep the peace.
Spiritual Path
Babies “are” essence, in that their awareness is permeated by love, or the unconditional pleasure of pure being. When personality formed, attention turned to momentary comfort, and the child became indolent or forgetful of the self-perpetuating pleasure of essence. Sloth is an overaccomodation, a desire to remain comfortable and undisturbed. It feels more comfortable to go along with others than to oppose them. Sloth is a failure to initiate, to take right action toward the essential features of life. Nines avoid conflict and merge with the agendas of others, which mimics the comfort of union with the environment and all beings.
Famous Nines
· US Postal Service, Julia Child, Luciano Pavarotti, Buckminister Fuller, Oblavmov, Eisenhowser, Alfred Hitchcock, Ringo Starr.
· infinitezone1, Zeal4living, gentlefootprint, momofjenmatt
Notes from The Enneagram in Love and Work by Helen Palmer.
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Palmer’s Synopsis of Nine Types of Personality
If you would like to find out what type of personality described you best, double click here.
One – The Perfectionist
Earning love by being perfect. Worrying about getting it right. Measuring up to the highest standards. Finding an ethical platform on which to build your life. Thinking centers on should, must, and ought to. We should have a faultless relationship. We must have a spotless record at work. At its best, the commitment to goodness serves as a humane guide to improvement. In self-defense, Ones often feel morally superior by finding fault with others.
Focus of Attention
· Searching for perfection. Avoiding error and evil.
· Conscientious. High Moral Character.
· Think right. Should, must, and ought to.
· Do right. Emphasize the practical virtues: work, thrift, honesty, and effort.
· Be right. Severe internal critic. An internal judging voice.
· Compulsive work load can block our unacceptable feelings.
· Anger caused by unmet needs. Self-denial generates resentment. Not aware of own anger (“I am just energetic today”)
· Worry in decision making. Afraid to make a mistake.
· This focus on attention ensures an ethical and moral life. It can be also lead to:
o One-right way thinking: right or wrong, black or white. No grays
o Superb powers of criticism. An intuitive sense of how perfect things could be.
Famous Ones
· Emily Post, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Mary Poppins, George Bernard Shaw, Charles Dickens, jerry Falwell, Martin Luther.
Two – The Giver
Ensuring love by being helpful. Managing other people’s lives. Supporting and pleasing intimates. The power behind the throne at work. Different aspect of self emerge to meet the needs of others. A self for the team, a self for the boss, many selves for private life. At its best, this giving is altruistic and generous. As a defensive gesture, giving is geared to getting something in return.
Focus of Attention
· Gaining approval. Adapting to please others. Avoiding own needs.
· Pride in being needed. Being central in people’s lives. Being indispensable.
· A sense of having many different selves to meet the need of others.
· Hard to recognize own needs. Needs are met by helping other people
· Wanting freedom. Feeling confined by support given to others.
· Self-presentation alters to meet the needs of others. This way of paying attention can lead to:
o Empathetic emotional connection or:
o Adaptation to the wishes of others as a way of gaining or retaining their love
Famous Twos
· Madonna, Elvis Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Mary Magdalene, Jerry Lewis, Dolly Pardon.
· PilgrimOfTruth, shrek_azn, insertcreativeusername, gentlefootprint, chelseathi, momofjenmatt
Three – The Performer
Winning love through achievement and image. Doing things with the family. High-powered and high-profile at work. Sensitive to status. Wanting to be first, to lead, to be seen. Emanating an impressive façade. Work is the area of interest; feelings are suspended while the job gets done. At its best, the performance orientation produces effective leadership. As a mean of defense, image is tailored to bolster personal success.
Focus of Attention
· Achievement, productiveness, and performance. Goals, tasks, and results.
· Competition and efficiency. Avoiding failure.
· Poor access to emotional life. Heart is in work.
· Convergent thinking. A multitrack mind focused on a single product or goal.
· “I am what I do.” Confusion betwen the real self and one’s job or role.
· Learning to “do” feelings. Doing the llok and learning the lines.
· Chameleon. Changing roles and changing image.
· This way of paying attention can maximize success. It also leads to:
o Sef-deception. Beginning to believe the public image.
Famous Threes
· Werner Erhard, Ronald Reagan, Walt Disney, Farrah Fawcett, John F. Kennedy.
· stran13, anonymouswish, SugarBlue2
Four – The Tragic Romantic
Longing for love at a distance, feeling disappointed when love is near at hand. We used to be connected, now it doesn’t feel right. We had it once. Where did it go? Lifelong searching for heart connection; attraction, hate, high drama, pain. Elegant lifestyle, unique presentation, a distinctive career, creative business views. At its best, the passionate quest leads to depth of feeling. As a posture, dramatic moods make Fours too precious for ordinary life.
Focus of Attention
· Wanting what is unavailable, far away, and hard to get. Avoiding the ordinary.
· Mood, manners, luxury, and good taste hedge low self-esteem.
· Attracted to the mood of melancholy. The flavor of longing.
· Disdaining ordinary life, the “flatness of ordinary feelings.”
· Amping up ordinary life through loss, fantasy, artistic connection, and dramatic acts. Drama kings and queens.
· Push-pull relationships. Wanting the best of what is missing. Pushing it away when it’s available again. This alternating focus reinforces:
o Feelings of abandonment and loss, but also lends itself to:
o Emotional sensitivity and depth. An ability to support others during pain and crisis.
Famous Fours
· Martha Graham, Keats, Shelley, Alan Watts, Joni Mitchell, Orson Welles, Bette Davis, Joan Baez, Marlon Brando
· NightComesOn, yet_still_learning, ronlawhouston
Five – The Observer
Detached from love and charged emotion. Needing privacy to discover what they feel. Separated from people n public, feeling more emotional when they’re by themselves. Fives like protected work environments, no interruptions, limited windows of contact, and agendas announced in advance. At its best, the detached stance produces reliable, clear minded analysis. As a psychological strategy, detachment minimized contact.
Attention of Focus
· Preoccupied with privacy and on involvement
· Storing knowledge and the essentials of survivals. Avoiding emptiness.
· Tightening the belt to maintain independence. Making do with less.
· Valuing emotional control. Preferring structured events, known agenda and time.
· Compartments. Keeping the departments of life separate form each other. Predetermined time slots for emotionally charged out feelings.
· Confusing spiritual nonattachment with the need to detach from emotional pain.
· Watching life form the point of view of an outside observer. This way of paying attention can lead to:
o Feeling isolated from the events of one’s own life or an ability to:
o Assume a detached point of view that is unaffected by fear or desire.
Famous Fives
· J. Paul Getty, Emily Dickinson, Jeremy Irons, The Buddha, Meryl Streep, Franz Kafka.
Six – The Trooper
Questioning love and a rosy future. Afraid to believe and be betrayed. Do you still want me? Will my work flourish? Is this certain? Should I doubt? Loyal in love. Troopers turn to their intimates for reassurance. Mistrusting authority, they ask hard questions at work. Well used, a questioning mind produces clarity of purpose. As a life stance, inner doubt interferes with progress.
Attention of Focus
· Procrastinating. Thinking replaces doing. Avoiding action.
· High goals, often with a history of incompletion.
· Anxiety peaks with success. Success equal exposure to hostile forces.
· Amnesia about success and pleasure.
· Authority problems. Either submitting to or rebelling against authority.
· Suspecting other people’s motives, especially authorities’.
· Identifying with underdog causes. Leading the opposition party.
· Afraid to recognize own anger. Afraid of other people’s anger.
· Skepticism and doubt. Buddhist “doubling mind.”
· A mental “yes, but…” or “this may not work.”
· Scanning the environment for clues to explain the inner sense of threat.
· This way of paying attention will confirm that:
· The world is a threatening place, but also lead to:
· Recognizing the motives and hidden agendas that influence relating
Famous Sixes
· Woody Allen, Godon Liddy, Krishnamurti, Jane Fonda, Rev. Jim Jones, Sherlock Holmes, Hitler (counterphobic), Hamlet (phobic)
Seven – The Epicure
Entitle to love and to be well regarded. Expecting projects to come out right. Love and work should be an adventures. Wanting to lead a fabulous life. The best part of love is initial attraction. The best part of work is a brilliant idea. Brainstorming, planning, opening options. A positive future, an exciting career. At its best, the adventurous approach conveys its enthusiasm to others. As a self-serving tactic, the attraction to pleasure is a way to escape for pain.
Focus of Attention
· Stimulation. New and interesting things to do. Wanting to stay high. Avoiding pain.
· Maintaining multiple options. Hedging commitment to a single course of action. Fearing limitation.
· Replacing deep or painful feelings with a pleasant alternative. Escaping to mental pleasure. Talking, planning, intellectualizing
· Charm at the first line of defense. Fearing types who move forward into friendly contact with people. Avoiding conflict by going through the cracks. Talking one’s way out of trouble.
· A way of paying attention that relates and systematizes information so that commitments come with loopholes and options. This style of attention can lead to:
o Rationalized escapism form a difficult or limiting commitment or:
o The ability to find connections, parallels, and unusual fits. A talent for nonlinear synthesis of information
Famous Sevens
· Zonker, Ram Dass, Thoreau, Peter Pan, Kurt Vonnegut, Groucho Marx, Rajneesh, Tom Robbins.
Eight – The Boss
Expressing love through protection and power. Liking the truth that comes out in a fight. Pushing for contact. At ease with anger. Stand up for your people. Securing the bunker at work. Gravitating to position of authority and control, Eights set the rules in love and business life. At its best, the take-charge stance develops leaders who use their power wisely. As a power stance, the best defense is a good offense.
Focus of Attention
· Controlling possessions and personal space.
· Concern about justice and power. Avoiding weakness.
· Excessive self-presentation—too much, too loud, too many.
· Impulse control. Needing to set limits.
· Difficulty in recognizing dependency needs and softer emotions.
· Boundary issues. Learning the difference between self-defense and aggression.
· Denying other points of view in favor of the “truth.” Confusing objective truth with a subjective opinion that serves own agenda.
· An “all-or-nothing” style of orientation, which tends to see the extreme of situation. People seem to be either fair or unfair, wither warrior or wimps, with no middle ground. This style of attention can lead to:
o Unconscious denying personal weakness or:
o Exercising appropriate force in the service of others.
Famous Eights
· Henry VIII, Fritz Perls, Gurdjieff, Madame Blavatsky, Pablo Picasso, Sean Penn, Nietzsche, Eldridge Cleaver, Garfield the Cat.
Nine – The Mediator
Merging with love ones, loosing boundaries. Taking on their point of view. Becoming stubborn instead of getting angry. Sitting on the fence. “I didn’t say no, but I’m not sure I agree with you.” Nines can relate to all sides of an argument, which derails their own agenda. “Yes” means “Yes, I am reflecting your opinion.” “Maybe” possibly could mean “No.” At its best, the merging habit offers genuine support. As a protective measure, adopting many points of view cushions commitment to any one of them.
Focus of Attention
· Replacing essential needs with unessential substitutes.
· Comforting self with unessential pleasures. Avoiding conflict.
· Ambivalent about personal decisions. “Do I agree or disagree?” Seeing all sides of the question. Decisions are easy when not personally loaded, for example, emergency actions or political opinions.
· Postponing change by repeating familiar solutions. Acting through habit. Ritualism. There’s plenty of time. I can wait until tomorrow.
· Hard to initiate change. Easier to know what you don’t want than what you do.
· Can’t say no. Hard to separate. Hard to be the one to go.
· Damping physical energy and anger. Diverting energy to trivia. Delayed reaction time for anger. Passive aggression. Anger equals separation.
· Control by going stubborn. Do nothing. Wait it out. Control by using time. Wait some more.
· Paying attention to other people’s agenda, which lead to:
o Difficulty in forming a personal position, but also develops:
o The ability to recognize and support what is essential to other people’s lives.
Famous Nines
· US Postal Service, Julia Child, Luciano Pavarotti, Buckminister Fuller, Oblavmov, Eisenhowser, Alfred Hitchcock, Ringo Starr.
· infinitezone1, Zeal4living, gentlefootprint, momofjenmatt
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