February 8, 2006
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Seeking Approval
We seek approval from almost everyone we know. Our partner, children, parents, co-worker, even a stranger on xanga or in an elevator. Seeking approval becomes so much of our lives that it is automatic and that we don’t even know that we are doing it. We become slaves for people’s approval. We live inauthentic lives because we cannot hear the thought that others may not approve of us. We try to figure out how others would like for us to be and then try to become that person, like chameleons.
In fact we can really never get people’s love this way. We try to turn into someone we are not and then when another says, “I love you” we can’t believe it because they are loving a façade. They love someone who doesn’t even exist. It is difficult to seek other people’s love. It is deadly. In seeking it, we loose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we try to get the love that we already have.
Why do you seek approval? Why do you need be validated by others?
Comments (22)
to validate oneself..
I have always been so dependent on outside approval since I had no self-confidence. I am improving in that area but have a long way to go. Now I ask myself why I am doing things, if it is for outside approval and not purt intention I try to abandon it. I find that if I do things because it is the right thing to do or because it spiritually feels right then life is good.
Glad you selected this topic.
Why do you seek approval?
Lenn
This is so how I have lived my life up to this point and it is freeing not to have to do that! Thanks for the topic, it is one I so relate to.
Corie
I seek approval because I want to please. I like to please others, especially my love ones. I like to please both others and me and this is a conflict. My ego likes to please others in hope that others would please me back. It gives with conditions, though it disguises as unconditional. If the conditions are not met, it gets seriously wounded and it gets nasty.
I am realizing that this is one of my predicaments.
here is what I’ve finally learned:
when one can love someone without distortion, to give without expecting anything in return, to commit fully to the welfare of others; only then can one learn to love more freely between two person without apparent effort. It then become unconditional love. When one are able to love in this selfless manner, one will experience a release of energy. One cease to be consumed by the details of the relationship, or the need to operate within the artificial structures of excercises; one will spontaneously treat each one another with love and respect. Then love becomes automatic.
Linda darling,
Those words are wonderful. All the enlighten ones speak that way. It is wonderful that you share them with us. I can only experience what you said in glimpses of my life. I cannot do it all the time. I am still trying to experiment with truth, love, and reality. Thanks for sharing.
We seek outside validation because it is easier than finding that validation within.
bc i’m weak… hi sweetie! happy wed !
I look at it maybe differently than some others would. I am responsive to people. All of us at some level need to be responsive to people. We are raised to not just poop in the yard. We are taught that by our parents. At that moment, we are being taught to be responsive to people. We spend our whole early years being taught to do that and it is important to be responsive. The place where we step over the line is when we are so seeking the approval of others that we lose our own identity. Or even to a less extreme, just make life difficult because we are being overly responsive to others.
I think there is a tension between the extremes.
We all want some approval from others but if who we are is dependent on what others think then we are in trouble. I spent half my life being a people pleaser. Now I make an effort to ask myself why I am doing something. Judi
Powerful words today. I please because I need others to validate me. I am only worth what others say I am. I am growing past this, very slowly, step by step, and several of my Xanga ladies have been really helpful with this. I find it interesting that you post this on the same day as I tackle this consciously in my life. Thanks
I don’t seek approval.
In fact I try to be as unconventional and obnoxious as possible.
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wow… it been a while em ko co’ visit chi. anh… Your writing is so so awesome…..and powerful qua’…i do agree with your though of (This is the prison we create for ourselves as we try to get the love that we already have.) co’ phai no’ co’ nghia~ VN la` bo~ hi`nh ba’t bo’ng… sometime it is really hard to tell.
We fear losing people we are attached to. We seek approval to avoid loss. We seek approval to satisfy our ego. Ultimately we shouldn’t need to be validated. But that does take some work.
i dont seek approval from my enemies/people i dont really respect. I feel i live a more authentic life than most
Sometimes and depend on situations. I tend to conform with societal norms which is a form of seeking approval to keep peace is one example.
I did not know there is a Vietnamese song for Casablanca
I used to seek approval all the time from others. But then I found myself being so dependent on others and always worrying what others think. Now, I do what I feel comfortable doing because I like to have a mind of my own.
What does trim-tab mean? Since there’s a blog ring in addition to your username that has the word, it must mean something…. Sorry to not comment about your entry but it’s bothered me for a while.. lol.
To Ezratal -
“Trim-tab” is a table that has been trimmed at the edge.
“table” became “tab”
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when we dont know ourselves ,we are seeking and through others we try to recognize what we are
sometimes in others, we can find ourselves.
If children are critized they lose self respect. Hahah…yep, it’s a cop out. I know, I know, what happened when we were growing up shouldn’t have any effect on the adult person now. That sounds really good but each of us is a compilation of all that has gone before, you can only edit so much of it. I will be the first to admit that I seek the approval of my fellow Americans, my neighbors, my co-workers, my kids, and my dogs. Unfortunately you can’t please everyone so it is a constant struggle.