Denial¹

Denial is looking pass the problem instead of facing it.  Psychologists consider denial the most childish of the three behaviors (control and manipulation) because it is so intimately linked to vulnerability.  The person in denial feels helpless to solve problems, the way a young child feels.   Fear is link to denial and so is the childlike need for love in the face of insecurity.  The underlying idea is “I don’t have to notice what I can’t change in the first place.” 

You can catch yourself going into denial when you experience lack of focus, forgetfulness, procrastination, refusing to confront those who hurt you, wishful thinking, false hope, and confusion.  The main external sign is that others don’t depend on you or turn to you when a solution is needed.  By pulling your attention out of focus, denial defends with blindness.  How can you be accused of failing at something when you don’t even see?  You get pass denial by facing up to painful truths.  Honestly expressing how you feel is the first step.  For something in deep denial, any feeling that make you feel you are unsafe is generally one you have to face.  Denial begins to ends when you feel focus, alert, and ready to participate despite your fear. 

Can you recognize this trait in you?   

1.  From The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra. 

Manipulation¹

Manipulation is getting what we want by ignoring or harming the desire of others.  Manipulators use charm, persuasion, coaxing, trickery, and misdirection.  The underlying idea is “I have to fool people to make them give me what I want.”  When they caught up in their ploys, manipulators even imagine they are doing their victim a favor. 

You could catch yourself falling into this behavior when you aren’t listening to other people and ignore what they want, and when you pretend that your desires cost nobody else a price.  There are also external signs.  The presence of a manipulator brings tension, strain, complaints conflict to a situation.  Some people use passive manipulations.  They come up with poor me scenario to coax sympathy and pity out of others.  Or they lay subtle guilt trips to make other thinks that what they want is wrong. 

Manipulation comes to an end when you stop assuming that your desires are all important.  Then you can reconnect with others and begin to trust that their desires might be aligned with yours.  When there’s no manipulations, people feel that what they want counts.  They trust that you are on their side.  You aren’t seen as a performer or a salesperson.  No one feels that he or she is being fooled. 

1.  From The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra. 

One of my favorites thing is photography.  I love taking pictures of people and nature.  For the New Year, I took my daughter, her friend, and the dog out for a walk around our neighborhood.  I decided to bring the camera to take some pictures.  Below are the pictures we captured during the walk. 

What is your favorite thing to do? 

Control¹

Control is forcing events and people into your way of doing things.  Control is the great mass of insecurity.  People who use this behavior are deathly afraid of letting others be who they are so the controller is constantly making demands that keep others off balance.  The underlying idea is “if they keep paying attention to me, they won’t run away.” 

When you find yourself making excuses for yourself and blaming others or when you feel inside that no one is showing you enough gratitude or appreciation, the fault is not with them.  You are exhibiting a need to control.  The external of this behavior comes from those who are trying to control.  They are tense and resistant.  They complaint of not being listened to.  They call you a “perfectionist” or “demanding boss.” 

Control begins to end when you admit your way isn’t automatically the right way.  You can tune in for your need to control by capturing yourself complaining, blaming, or insisting no one is right but you and coming up with one excuse after another to prove that you are without blame yourself.  Once you stop control them, the people around you begin to breath easy.  They relax and laugh.  They feel free to be who they are without looking to you for approval. 

Can you recognize this trait in you?   

1.  From The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra. 

Exam Result

For those who are interested in the result of my Professional Engineering exam:  I pass.  Yipeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many many thanks for all your prayers.  It makes a difference for me.

Emotions

One of the many descriptions some people give me is ”lack of emotions.”   The description mainly come from the people who are extremely emotional in both end of the spectrum (positive and negative). 

There is some truth to this, however it is not entirely truth. Though I don’t wallow in my emotions, I do experience them.  They are deeper than the one that can be physically expressed.  My emotions can be obscured but they have no opposites.  To accuratley described, they are more of my states of being than emotions.  People who are drawn to me recognize in me what they already have in them; even in my sadness, they sense the emanation of love, joy, and peace. 

Most of us are more familiar with emotional patterns that are egoic-based.  Egoic-based emotions are emotions generated by the ego.  They have opposites. For these emotions, there is no good without bad, no high without low.  I have observed most people emotional patterns.  Sometimes, I recogize some of these patterns in me.  In my observation, I see that these emotional patterns are quite unstable.  They change in a switch of a second.   Here are just a few of my observation:

• The so called love is but possessiveness and addicted clinging that can turn into hate in a switch of a second if the the ego didn’t get what it wants. 
• People in this egoic emotional state get very happy and excited (almost comical) about an upcoming event and when the event is over they get very sad and disappointed.  And if the event doesn’t fulfill their ego’s expectation, the disappointment gets even greater. 
• They feel alive and happy when they get phrases and recognitions and feel unhappy and unworthy when someone criticizes and ignores them. 

There is nothing wrong with expressing emotions with opposites, if suffering is what people choose.  I choose to experience my emotions directly without opposites.

How do you deal with your emotions?  Do you directly experience your emotions?  Or do you express or wallow or repress your emotions? 

Alienation

I can resonate with the words below from Tolle:

People are trapped in their egoic stage.  They are alienated from themselves as well as others around them.  When you look at them you see the tension in their face, the furrow brow and the absence of staring expression in their eyes.  Most of their attention is absorbed by thinking.  And so they don’t really see you, and they are not really listening to you.  They are not presence in any situation.  Their attentions are either on the past or the future, which exist in the mind of course as thought forms.  All they relate to you is some kind of role they play and so they are not themselves.  Most people are alienated from who they are.  And some are alienated to such degree that the way they behave and interact is recognized as phony by almost everyone, except those who are equally phony, equally alienated from who they are.  Alienation means you don’t feel at ease in any situations, any place, or with any person, not even with yourself.  You’re always trying to get ‘home’, but never feel at ‘home.’

Do you believe that alienation is the universal dilemma of the human existence? 

Suffering in Children

Wouldn’t be wonderful if we could spare our children from all suffering?  Most parents I talked to would say yes.  I wouldn’t think so.  I think we must allow for children to suffer at time.  Suffer could come as the consequences of their own mistakes or from the events that happens in their lives that they cannot control.  If we don’t allow for the children to suffer, they would not evolve as human being and would remain shallow, identify only with external forms of things. 

The thought “I should not have to suffer, “projecting to “My child should not have to suffer” is itself the root of suffering. 

I think we need to teach our children not to distort the truth.   And the truth is that there is suffering and will be suffering if they are to live in this human body.  The truth is that the children need to say yes to suffering before they can transcend it.  I think that suffering has a noble purpose.   The paradox is that suffering is cause by the ego and suffering will destroy the ego.  But not until the children suffer consciously.  Resisting suffering will create more egos to burn up.  When they accept suffering, they suffer consciously. 

I am losing interest in participating judgments over others.  I don’t find it cool when people get together to gossip and complain about other people, especially their  spouses and children.  I do not find it amusing when people get together to judge and laugh over how stupid or silly other people are.  This kind of conversation gives me a feeling of separation and I find them painful.  It drains my energy and makes me tired; and it is hazardous to my relationships, my health, and my overall well beings. 

I also don’t find it amusing to engage in debates over religion, Truth, God or any other topics that would eventually separate and ultimately pollute my environment with judgment and negativity.    I feel that I could never win anyway, no matter how hard the defensive shield is being erected and how large the ego is being puffed up.  The appearance of what seem to be tough and puffed is just the many forms of nothingness. 

I like what Gangaji said about the meaning of life.  I am sharing it with you. It may not be the exact quote but close enough:

The meaning of your life depends on which ideas you permit to use you.  Who you think you are determines where you put your attention.  Where you put your attention creates your life experiences, and brings a new course of events into being.  Where you habitually put your attention is what you worship.  What do you worship in this mindstream called your life?