“Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things itself.”
“Nobody who puts his hands to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God.”
What message(s) do you think the above readings are sending us?
Uncategorized
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We tend to think that we know what we’re talking about when the word God is use. And we use it with great conviction too. We argue with others as if we know what God is. Then we form our own beliefs and assert them into others. We say, “Our God is the only true God and your God is false. He-She-It is the absolute Truth. ” God has become a close concept, a mental idol. We have a mental image of what or who God is. Perhaps not the man with the white beard but still a mental representation of someone or something outside us and a male figure of someone or something. We judge, classify, condemn, and hurt others because they don’t share the same mental image of God like we do. We separate ourselves from those that are not in agreement with our beliefs.
Do you believe in God or do you know God? Is the mental concept of God a help or a hinderance in enabling you to experience that toward which it points? Where does God points?
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The question of meaning and purpose come in our lives when we rise above mere survival. Many of us share life meaning in hopes for freedom and expansion that prosperity promises. Others have already enjoyed the freedom that comes with prosperity and discovered even that is not enough to give meaning to their lives. When we are confronted with it, most of us find meaning and purpose in the forms of doing and of future. We may find meaning in caring for our families, helping others, being successful, winning or making it. But most of what we find in our search for life’s purpose in doing is only temporary. We may notice that these alone seem to be relatively unstable, impermanence, and sooner or later, they will lead to suffering.
For example, if caring for our families gives meaning to our lives, what happens to that meaning when our spouse decided to divorce us? What happens to that meaning when our children don’t need us and perhaps don’t even listen to us any more? If helping others gives meaning to our lives, then we depend on others being worst off than we are so that our lives can continue to be meaningful and we can feel good about ourselves? If the desire to excel, win, and succeed at some activities provide us with meaning, what if we achieved these goals? Does this mean that our meaning of life is coming to an end? What if we never win or our winning comes to an end one day (and it will), do we look back at our memories for meager meaning in our lives? Making it in whatever field is only meaningful as long as there are millions of others don’t make it, so we need other human being to fail so our lives can have meaning?
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Sacrifice
Sacrifice means giving up something good for something better for the good of the whole. It requires an absence of selfishness and the presence of humility. It’s about realizing that life is not just about me, mine, myself, and I. It is service above the self. It is about trusting in oneself and others.
I think that the true work of sacrifice can only be done by a person who has a high SQ (spiritual intelligence) because higher SQ requires integrity. And integrity involves being true to One highest values, conscience, and having connection with the Infinite. It gives meaning and voice to life.
The paradox is that in the mind of a person who sacrifices, there is no sacrifice. To another, it would appear to be a sacrifice because this person is denying something that is currently good. But to a person who sacrifices, she does with joy and not with resentment.
I think strong relationships require sacrifice. They require that we put someone else’s happiness before our own. They require that we give up our impatience, ego, agenda, emotions, time, perceptions, pride, self-centeredness and more.
What do you think?
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Betrayal
My friend called me this past weekend expressing problems she has with her boyfriend. She complaint that her boyfriend is not spending enough time with her and instead with his daughters and other legal issues concerning his first marriage. She was very angry when he told her that he is not interested in her children nor is he interested in marrying her and raising them with her. She felt betrayed. She felt hurt, confused, and angry. She felt that she has done so much for him including selling her lake house because he didn’t like it.
I asked her if she loves him. Her response was yes. But then what’s the problem? She can’t seem to see. She insisted the boyfriend is the problem. He may behave like an asshole, but he is being himself at the time. He has no problem with the way he behaved. She has a problem with the way he behaved but nevertheless it is her problem and not his. I encouraged her to listen to her heart and trust in her decisions to do what’s right for her and her family.
I can totally feel for her, that compulsive needs to control our outside environment to conform to the way we’d like for our own comfort and security. We go as far as betraying ourselves. And it is very easy to betray ourselves. All we have to do is to say “yes” when we mean no. All we have to do is take someone else identity for our own. Those who have not individuated too easily borrow the identities of others. The roles they adopt to please us will be just as quickly abandoned when they don’t receive the security from us they expect to find.
True intimacy is not possible when two people spend their lives trying to please each others. One who seeks may find it for a while, but it is only a matter of time before that approval becomes a prison. One who gives herself away will have to take herself back sooner or later. One who looks to another for salvation will blame that other when salvation does not come. One who says “yes” because she is afraid to say “no” will say “no” in the end but it will not be a gentle, compassionate “no.” It will be the harsh, unforgiving “no” of one trying to survive, of one who is afraid of suffocating. It will be the very cry of one who feels betrayed although in truth she has betrayed herself.
If you do not wish to be betrayed, do not let another person give herself away to you. Insist that she honor herself, for in honoring herself she will become capable of honoring you. When you love someone and he does not know what he wants, encourage him to find out. Hold a space for him to find out what he wants. He must learn this before he can come to you as an equal.
People come to you with expectation that you make them whole. It is very common these days. But don’t take the bait. You cannot complete another, nor can another complete you. You must find your own completeness. You must know that you are already enough.
Don’t think you will find another person who will embrace you unconditionally before you have learned to do this yourself. It is not possible. At best you can find someone to learn with you.
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Separation Awareness
Relationship is a mystery. It is constantly changing. When I try to analyze it, or try to make it fit to my picture of the way it should be, that is to say not accepting it for the way it is, I feel the separation. Separation happens all the time. It is happening every time I want to change my partner or want to make my relationship different than the way it is. When I move out of the “is” space and focus on the “should be,” the separation feeling is almost inevitable. Usually I don’t notice until separation builds and hurt triggers. If I am wise, I’d stay in the present moment and move with it. But the nature of my ego is to find fault with my experience, to compare it to some unattainable ideal. It says what happens isn’t good enough.
So my spiritual practice calls me to challenge every unloving thought I have about myself, my partner, and other people. And as long as these thoughts go unchallenged, I will continue to feel separate from myself, my partner, and others.
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She won’t give me unconditional love
MAN: I am sad about my wife because she won’t give me unconditional love.
KATIE: She’s suppose to give you unconditional love, is that true?
MAN: Yes.
KATIE: Can you absolutely know that this is true?
MAN: Well, not absolutely, I guess.
KATIE: Yes, honey. “Should” is the story of a past and a future and it’s hopeless to argue with what is. How do you react when you believe that thought?
MAN: Sad, disappointed in her, sometimes angry. I withdraw from her. I feel depressed and think I deserved better. Self-pitying. Sometimes I think I married the wrong person.
KATIE: Yes, because she isn’t validating your dream of an “ideal wife.” Who would you be if you didn’t believe the thought that she’s suppose to give you unconditional love? Who would you be in her presence if you never believe that thought again?
MAN: I’d be someone who didn’t expect unconditional love from her.
KATIE: What I am hearing is that you would love her unconditionally, however conditionally she loves you. As long as you believe she should give you unconditional love, you’re not talking about the wife you live with. You’re talking about the wife in your imagination and not giving your unconditional love to the wife you live with. So let’s turn this around.
MAN: I am sad because I won’t give her unconditional love. But I really do love her. I believe that you should give love to your partner unconditionally. That’s what I’ve committed to when we got married and that’s what I do.
KATIE: Look a little deeper sweetheart. See if you can find three genuine ways that you don’t give her unconditional love. You don’t sound very loving when you get angry at her and withdraw.
MAN: Well, that’s true. I wasn’t feeling very loving then. Okay, I guess it’s true that I don’t love her unconditionally when I think she doesn’t love me unconditionally. I get resentful and I close my heart. That’s true.
KATIE: Is there another way you don’t love her unconditionally?
MAN: We have arguments about money. The other day I got angry at her when she says we couldn’t afford to buy a new boat that I wanted. She’s right actually. I acted as though it wasn’t true and was cold and nasty to her. That’s really hurts now.
KATIE: Well sweetheart, when you go home this evening, admit that she was right. Apologize from your heart the way you’re feeling now. Ask her how you can make it right and really listen to what she said without defending a position. She’ll take you where you wanted to go if you’re serious about this unconditional love that you want in your life. Humility is the opposite of subservience and the beginning of you stepping in your power angel. Can you find one more example?
MAN: Yes. I punished her for not being as attractive as the other woman, for gaining so much weight. The crazy thing is that I don’t really care. I love her so much. She looks beautiful to me. I criticized what she eats and I am the one who can take a look at that in my own life. And I see that that’s the other turn around: I should love myself unconditionally. And I often don’t.
KATIE: Can you find three genuine ways that you don’t love yourself unconditionally?
MAN: When I eat too much, I see myself in a very cruel way. I use self-hatred as an appetite controller, not that it works. Also I sometimes disgusted with myself when I think I have made a mistake and I really give myself a hard time when I forget things.
KATIE: Yes honey. Feel the violence that you inflict on yourself. And look at the pain you have caused yourself when you compare your wife with someone who doesn’t exist, the “ideal wife.” Someone who can’t exist in any marriage. That’s not giving yourself love. And you already know it’s not giving her love. And sweetheart, it’s only in the moment. It’s not forever. We don’t love conditionally or unconditionally forever. It keeps changing. “I love you. …I don’t…I do… I do… I don’t….” And when you don’t, it’s always going to be you in the way, not your wife. You can count on that. Now sit down and inquire and get real with your answer and your sweet innocence self. It can’t ever be something outside you, a situation or a person that is causing your unhappiness. It can only be your unquestioned thinking about that situation or person. There is no exception to that.
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I SHOULD BE HIS ONE AND ONLY
Below is dialogue between Byron Katie (currently reading above)and a Wife who’s suffering as result of her husband’s infidelities. Though the post is long, it is definitely worthwhile, especially for those who feel they have been betrayed by their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, or significant others. One can learn a lot from this if One spend some time with the dialogue with an open heart (or open mind.) The dialogue speaks of many things including inquiring our thoughts and especially the freedom to choose. We all have a choice. And in this case, the husband’s choice is to be polygamous and the wife’s choice is to leave her husband and find a monogamous partner. Both can accept each other’s choices and still open their hearts to each other. (This is unconditional love.) Both don’t have to leave in anger. This way, none would have to engage in the destructive emotional cancers (criticizing, complaining, comparing, competing, contending, controlling, manipulating…. ) that eventually matastasize into each other relationships.
WIFE: I am angry with my husband because he didn’t dump his other women and choose me as his one and only.
KATIE: Your life would be much better if he’d dump them, is that true?
WIFE: Well, it’s pretty obvious to me that it would be better.
KATIE: And can you absolutely know that it would be better?
WIFE: No.
KATIE: How do you react when you believe the thought that he should dump the other women?
WIFE: I try to undermine them. I try to convince him to be monogamous. I am always jealous. I think of them constantly and of him with them. I constantly compare myself with them. Am I prettier than this one? Am I smarter than that one?
KATIE: That’s a very painful way to live sweetheart! It’s painful to try to manipulate the man you love, to spend your time plotting how you can get rid of people he loves, or wondering if you are as good as they are. Who’s business is it whom he sleeps with?
WIFE: I hate this question.
KATIE: You hate it because you’re been holding on to your pain for your dear life. You’re holding on to your thought of “I’m right and he’s wrong. I’m the good one and he’s the villain.” Would you rather be right or be free?
WIFE: I’d rather be free. I really would. I’ve had enough of these miseries.
KATIE: So who’s business is it whom he sleeps with?
WIFE: It’s his business. I know that. It’s his business, not mine.
KATIE: And who’s business is it whom you sleep with?
WIFE: It’s my business.
KATIE: He should sleeps with you only, is that true? What’s the reality of it? He doesn’t. He sleeps with other women. That’s the reality of it. It doesn’t go along with our morality. It doesn’t go along with what society would teach us. It’s what is. It’s an outright lie that he should sleep with you only when he doesn’t. What happens inside you when you believe the thought that he shouldn’t sleep with other women?
WIFE: I hate him.
KATIE: And how does that feel inside you?
WIFE: Awful. I just want to die.
KATIE: And how do you treat him when you believe the thought that he should be faithful to you?
WIFE: I raged at him. I cut myself off. I close my heart.
KATIE: Is that pretty painful?
WIFE: It’s horrible.
KATIE: The reason you experience pain and loneliness is that you’re mentally in his business and it didn’t leave anyone here present with you. Of course you’re lonely. She’s over there with him. You’re over there with him. Everyone is over there with him and there’s no one here with you. You think he’s supposed to be here with you but you can’t even do it. He leaves you. You leave you. What’s the difference? The way to stay present is to question your thought. He shouldn’t sleep with other women, is that true?
WIFE: I would be much better off if he was with me and not her.
KATIE: Can you absolutely know that that’s true? He’s not responsible for your misery. You are. You’re believing a lie and that’s what is causing your pain. Can you see a reason to drop this thought that argues with reality “he should sleeps with me only?”
WIFE: Yes. I hate to suffer.
KATIE: I see we come from the same school. And please don’t try to drop it. No one can drop a thought. We’re just seeing a reason to drop it. Can you see a reason to believe that thought?
WIFE: No
KATIE: Who would you be without that thought?
WOMAN: I wouldn’t hate him so much. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so betrayed. I don’t know if I can open my heart to him again, but at least I would be more understanding.
KATIE: Sweetheart, an open mind is an open heart. Who knows what you would feel and how you would treat him if you didn’t believe that thought about him. Who would you be in his presence if you didn’t believe that thought that he should get rid of his other women? Close your eyes. Picture him with them. Look at his face without any belief that he should choose you. Can you see him?
WIFE: Yes. He’s beautiful! He looks happy.
KATIE: That’s unconditional love! That’s who you really are. Now turn it around.
WOMAN: I am angry with me because I didn’t choose me as my one and only. I carried all those other women around in my head with me.
KATIE: Turn it around again.
WOMAN: I’m angry with me because I didn’t choose him as my one and only.
KATIE: You didn’t choose to love him just as he is. The one and only person who is him. And if you want to be monogamous, you can say, “Sweetheart, I love you just the way you are. I love it that you want 10 women. I want you to have what you want and I need to leave you now. I’m monogamous and I want a monogamous partner.” That’s choosing him as your one and only, the one you love unchanged. It’s just that you don’t live with him now. But whether you stay with him or leave him, you never have to close your heart. And then you may notice the next person in front of you is your one and only, in the moment when he’s with you and that you don’t required him to be anything but what he is. Unconditional love doesn’t need to dictate the form.
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Victims
People are obsessed about stupid things that they can not change at the present time. They swap stories with friends, neighbors, and coworkers about how other people mistreat them, how their exes should or shouldn’t do, how so and so should behave, how the war should be so and so….. and massage one another’s hearts about the things they can do nothing about. What would this do except strengthens their own ego and weakens their ability to make things happen on the issues and concerns that they can do something about. Their past holds their present and future hostage.
People who don’t have their own deep internal act together seek their security from sources outside themselves. When focus outside and believe that their problem is caused by someone else rather than their attachment to the story they believe in the moment, they are their own victims and situation appears to be hopeless. Then they fall into the trap of codependency and engage in destructive, cancerous behaviors such as criticizing, complaining, comparing, competing, and contending (emotional cancers). These malignant emotional cancers metastasize their cancerous cells into their relationships and no wonder their world is so polarized, so divided, and so painful.
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Wealth
There is a great deal of misunderstanding about wealth. Generally, being wealthy means that we have lots of money. But the real meaning of wealth is knowing how to create richness situations in our lives. We may have ten dollars in our bank account, but can still manifest richness in our world.
One way to create wealth and richness is to appreciate that wealth and richness come from being a basically decent human being. We do not have to be jealous of those who have more than we do. We can be rich even if we are poor. True wealth is appreciating that we can be without money and still feels good because we have a sense of wealthiness already. The basic richness can be realized under ordinary circumstances. One way is to learn to project the goodness that exists in our own being, so that a sense of goodness shines out. That goodness can be reflected in whatever there is in our immediate world. It could be in the relationships with things, our family, and friends, in the way our hair is combed, in the way our living room looks.
If we are stuck on a small fishing boat in the middle of the
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