Growth and Experience

Reflecting life, I can say that every experience is my teacher.  I am in constant dialogue with it.  When I am willing, I can learn a great deal from it.  And this is true whether or not I like my experience.  In fact most of what I have learned and will learn in this lifetime has to do with coming to grips with the aspects of my experience I have trouble accepting.  This is where my growth is. 

Learn to understand that your experience is perfect for you.  In spite of what you may think or others may think, there is nothing wrong about you or your experience that needs to be changed.  In spite of other experiences you read from others’ improvement books and advise columns,  they are still others’ experience and not yours.  Besides, we don’t need alot of words.  The more words we have, the more we argue about what they mean.  And the more we argue, the less we understand. 

People are interesting.  We want a dog but get a cat.  So we spent years trying to train the cat to bark.  We stubbornly hope that one day the cat will learn how to bark.  Then one day, we tell the cat to bark and the cat looks at us and says, “Meow.”  We get disappointed thinking that the cat is the problem.  Some of us also get disappointed thinking that we are the problem too, that somehow something is wrong with us because we can not teach this cat how to bark.   How distorted this is.  What a waste of time and energy. 

See reality for what it is and not for what you think it ought to be. 

False Responsibility

It is always flattering to have someone ask us for our opinion about something.  But if we offer our opinion without being clear that it is our experience and interpretation, and that it may not work for that person, then we have not acted in a responsible way. 

Many people try to get us to agree with them or confirm their way of thinking.  Our agreement seems to give their decision a sense of legitimacy.  But what they are doing is asking us to become an authority for them.  If we become the authority, then whatever happens—good or bad—is our fault.  If it’s good, we are put on a pedestal.  If it’s bad, we are crucified. 

People who ask us for confirmation of their decisions are having difficulty taking responsibility for their own choices.  Conversely, when we have a pattern of being an authority figure for others, we often live vicariously through others and postpone the decisions we must make in our own life.

When we say “I know” we are saying that we are an authority for ourselves, if not for others too.  When we say “I don’t know,” we are clear that we cannot be an authority for anyone else.  We recognize that we cannot be an authority figure even for ourselves, for what has been true for us in the past may not be true for us now. 

If you want to know how it applies to you, ask yourself “How often do I make my own decisions and encourage others to do the same?”

The Extra Mile, Part 2

By Anthony de Mello

Is there a way out?  Yes.  You are not going to be able to change your programming quickly, or perhaps ever.  And you don’t even need to. 

Try this:  Imagine you are in a situation or with a person that you find unpleasant and that you would ordinarily avoid.  Now observe your computer instinctively becomes active, insisting that you avoid this situation or try to change it.  And if you stay on there and refuse to change the situation, observe how the computer insists that you experience irritation or anxiety or guilt or some other negative emotion.  Now keep looking at this unpleasant situation or person until you realize that it isn’t they that are causing the negative emotions.  They are just going their way, being themselves, doing their thing whether right or wrong, good or bad.  It is your computer that insists on your reacting with negative emotions.  You will see this better if you realize that someone with a different programming when faced with this same situation or person or event would react quite calmly, even happily. 

Don’t stop till you have grasped this truth:  The only reason why you too are not reacting calmly and happily is your computer stubbornly insisting that reality be reshaped to conform to its programming.  Observe all of this from the outside so to speak and see that marvelous change that comes about you.