August 28, 2006
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Betrayal
My friend called me this past weekend expressing problems she has with her boyfriend. She complaint that her boyfriend is not spending enough time with her and instead with his daughters and other legal issues concerning his first marriage. She was very angry when he told her that he is not interested in her children nor is he interested in marrying her and raising them with her. She felt betrayed. She felt hurt, confused, and angry. She felt that she has done so much for him including selling her lake house because he didn’t like it.
I asked her if she loves him. Her response was yes. But then what’s the problem? She can’t seem to see. She insisted the boyfriend is the problem. He may behave like an asshole, but he is being himself at the time. He has no problem with the way he behaved. She has a problem with the way he behaved but nevertheless it is her problem and not his. I encouraged her to listen to her heart and trust in her decisions to do what’s right for her and her family.
I can totally feel for her, that compulsive needs to control our outside environment to conform to the way we’d like for our own comfort and security. We go as far as betraying ourselves. And it is very easy to betray ourselves. All we have to do is to say “yes” when we mean no. All we have to do is take someone else identity for our own. Those who have not individuated too easily borrow the identities of others. The roles they adopt to please us will be just as quickly abandoned when they don’t receive the security from us they expect to find.
True intimacy is not possible when two people spend their lives trying to please each others. One who seeks may find it for a while, but it is only a matter of time before that approval becomes a prison. One who gives herself away will have to take herself back sooner or later. One who looks to another for salvation will blame that other when salvation does not come. One who says “yes” because she is afraid to say “no” will say “no” in the end but it will not be a gentle, compassionate “no.” It will be the harsh, unforgiving “no” of one trying to survive, of one who is afraid of suffocating. It will be the very cry of one who feels betrayed although in truth she has betrayed herself.
If you do not wish to be betrayed, do not let another person give herself away to you. Insist that she honor herself, for in honoring herself she will become capable of honoring you. When you love someone and he does not know what he wants, encourage him to find out. Hold a space for him to find out what he wants. He must learn this before he can come to you as an equal.
People come to you with expectation that you make them whole. It is very common these days. But don’t take the bait. You cannot complete another, nor can another complete you. You must find your own completeness. You must know that you are already enough.
Don’t think you will find another person who will embrace you unconditionally before you have learned to do this yourself. It is not possible. At best you can find someone to learn with you.
Comments (15)
To love someone is to sacrifice; maybe he doesn’t love her more than the others …
Self-betrayal in all those times we say “yes” when we mean “no”… so true. God recognized a flaw in creation – our aloneness – and tells us it is solved, that there IS a like soul out there he has set on the earth for each and every one of us. But we are impatient in the search to find that soul, wanting instead the convenience of molding someone we are fascinated by or attracted to into our own image and likeness – then wonder what went wrong when it all begins to fall apart. God didn’t say he would eliminate aloneness, just that he recognized it as the flaw that it is and has placed out there a like soul for each of us. We want to find that soul in our time and push it along. We would do better to exhibit patience. Welcome back, Trim… you and Ron were missed!
She lacks self-worth, or dignity. This makes her too attached to the bf and not seeing the way things are and not demanding what’s right for her. You gotta love yourself first, I believe.
You had written about a relation ship in previous. I in turn used the material and commented about expectations. The down fall of your girlfriend, was that she was expecting more then what the other person was willing to give, and now she is hurt. Best that the end comes now as opposed to later on in the future after getting married, and having God knows how many children….I am still tormented with my pass relationship, and if though there is still some love between us, it hurts to know you have been betrayed…..especially by the one you have considered to be your personal lover, friend, counselor, and loving partner…that hurts, bor this line I cannot find myself saying it again to another girl even if she were to become new love of my life…..
Trimtab, you and I have known each other for a long time, even though we have not met, may be we will some day, for now I just want you to know I personally admire your material, and do my best to comment on honestly….best wishes, you friend michael
Yeah, but where would our lives be without the assholes? We’d be in trouble without assholes.
Wise, wise, wise.
We can give our life away but it is impossible to ask people to give away their life in return. One can love the other but that never a guarantee that he or she will be loved the same way.
I love your thoughts! Your music too! Sounds very Cirque de Soleil! Where you’ve been! I don’t write deep, just comment and think deep. I like to keep it light and funny on my site, usually stories I hear when clients are in my chair. If you read back, my friend just ‘emergency-adopted’ the boy. Come by anytime!!!
a most wonderful post
A very present address of some of the hidden symptoms of mind identification in relationships …
i am going to read it a second time
humm i have a trim tab on my lak 12
……
let me see if i can find a pic
I really like this… all we need to do is say ‘yes’ when we mean no. Very true.
When do we start to use sacrifice though in relationship, and what is the line between that and self betrayal?
ryc. Old friend, yes very old. I would have commented but got lost even after re-reading 3rd time. Your friend should not throw her life away to a man(guy), that cares for nothing she is. Why would anyone want to just be used w/o companionship?I agree w/ bonyari
ryc: of course its a war.. we battle not against flesh and blood but against powers, principalities…
haha, I’m so embarassed, Anh. I accidentally called you when I was supposed to call the other Anne, one of my co-worker while she was not in the office. Please excuse me for the confusion.
Linda
nice post. =)