August 22, 2006
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She won’t give me unconditional love
MAN: I am sad about my wife because she won’t give me unconditional love.
KATIE: She’s suppose to give you unconditional love, is that true?
MAN: Yes.
KATIE: Can you absolutely know that this is true?
MAN: Well, not absolutely, I guess.
KATIE: Yes, honey. “Should” is the story of a past and a future and it’s hopeless to argue with what is. How do you react when you believe that thought?
MAN: Sad, disappointed in her, sometimes angry. I withdraw from her. I feel depressed and think I deserved better. Self-pitying. Sometimes I think I married the wrong person.
KATIE: Yes, because she isn’t validating your dream of an “ideal wife.” Who would you be if you didn’t believe the thought that she’s suppose to give you unconditional love? Who would you be in her presence if you never believe that thought again?
MAN: I’d be someone who didn’t expect unconditional love from her.
KATIE: What I am hearing is that you would love her unconditionally, however conditionally she loves you. As long as you believe she should give you unconditional love, you’re not talking about the wife you live with. You’re talking about the wife in your imagination and not giving your unconditional love to the wife you live with. So let’s turn this around.
MAN: I am sad because I won’t give her unconditional love. But I really do love her. I believe that you should give love to your partner unconditionally. That’s what I’ve committed to when we got married and that’s what I do.
KATIE: Look a little deeper sweetheart. See if you can find three genuine ways that you don’t give her unconditional love. You don’t sound very loving when you get angry at her and withdraw.
MAN: Well, that’s true. I wasn’t feeling very loving then. Okay, I guess it’s true that I don’t love her unconditionally when I think she doesn’t love me unconditionally. I get resentful and I close my heart. That’s true.
KATIE: Is there another way you don’t love her unconditionally?
MAN: We have arguments about money. The other day I got angry at her when she says we couldn’t afford to buy a new boat that I wanted. She’s right actually. I acted as though it wasn’t true and was cold and nasty to her. That’s really hurts now.
KATIE: Well sweetheart, when you go home this evening, admit that she was right. Apologize from your heart the way you’re feeling now. Ask her how you can make it right and really listen to what she said without defending a position. She’ll take you where you wanted to go if you’re serious about this unconditional love that you want in your life. Humility is the opposite of subservience and the beginning of you stepping in your power angel. Can you find one more example?
MAN: Yes. I punished her for not being as attractive as the other woman, for gaining so much weight. The crazy thing is that I don’t really care. I love her so much. She looks beautiful to me. I criticized what she eats and I am the one who can take a look at that in my own life. And I see that that’s the other turn around: I should love myself unconditionally. And I often don’t.
KATIE: Can you find three genuine ways that you don’t love yourself unconditionally?
MAN: When I eat too much, I see myself in a very cruel way. I use self-hatred as an appetite controller, not that it works. Also I sometimes disgusted with myself when I think I have made a mistake and I really give myself a hard time when I forget things.
KATIE: Yes honey. Feel the violence that you inflict on yourself. And look at the pain you have caused yourself when you compare your wife with someone who doesn’t exist, the “ideal wife.” Someone who can’t exist in any marriage. That’s not giving yourself love. And you already know it’s not giving her love. And sweetheart, it’s only in the moment. It’s not forever. We don’t love conditionally or unconditionally forever. It keeps changing. “I love you. …I don’t…I do… I do… I don’t….” And when you don’t, it’s always going to be you in the way, not your wife. You can count on that. Now sit down and inquire and get real with your answer and your sweet innocence self. It can’t ever be something outside you, a situation or a person that is causing your unhappiness. It can only be your unquestioned thinking about that situation or person. There is no exception to that.
Comments (9)
another example of the lesson “don’t get what you deserve but simply give up and keep putting up with a bad situation”
lol. wow. truly touching. and enlightening. too bad i’m only 15. i can’t truly understand the true beuatuy of the story.
Does unconditional love exist?
The personal side to Jesus’ log-splinter axiom (Matthew 7:3-5), perhaps?
In any case, it’s been very informative. I actually went out and purchased Loving What Is to try to understand The Work in more detail because of these last posts. Thanks!
FadeIntoADream,
Please understand that the entries posted here are not meant to send a message of “putting up with bad situation.” If anything, it is about taking personal responsibilty for your own happiness and not your outside environment (your girlfriend, parents, friends, children, and so on….) You can have a full time vocation in controlling your environment, if that’s the life you choose. I can tell you from experience that this is futile and you will have a life time of pain and suffering. Good luck!
I love ‘The Work’. I need to go do it right now, in fact. ha!
I think we all have some expectations of what is healthy. It is good to strive towards those things. However, that isn’t the same as having an image of an ideal spouse that we expect the “other” to live up to. Most of those images are formed my movies and madison avenue anyway. And… no relation ship is perfectly healthy. Marriage is a process of growing towards a goal together not blooming instantly into perfection the minute you say your vows.
sometimes diff expectations cause frustrations hey?… one person’s unconditional love may not be all that unconditional to another (and vice versa)???
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in…