August 18, 2006
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I SHOULD BE HIS ONE AND ONLY
Below is dialogue between Byron Katie (currently reading above)and a Wife who’s suffering as result of her husband’s infidelities. Though the post is long, it is definitely worthwhile, especially for those who feel they have been betrayed by their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, or significant others. One can learn a lot from this if One spend some time with the dialogue with an open heart (or open mind.) The dialogue speaks of many things including inquiring our thoughts and especially the freedom to choose. We all have a choice. And in this case, the husband’s choice is to be polygamous and the wife’s choice is to leave her husband and find a monogamous partner. Both can accept each other’s choices and still open their hearts to each other. (This is unconditional love.) Both don’t have to leave in anger. This way, none would have to engage in the destructive emotional cancers (criticizing, complaining, comparing, competing, contending, controlling, manipulating…. ) that eventually matastasize into each other relationships.
WIFE: I am angry with my husband because he didn’t dump his other women and choose me as his one and only.
KATIE: Your life would be much better if he’d dump them, is that true?
WIFE: Well, it’s pretty obvious to me that it would be better.
KATIE: And can you absolutely know that it would be better?
WIFE: No.
KATIE: How do you react when you believe the thought that he should dump the other women?
WIFE: I try to undermine them. I try to convince him to be monogamous. I am always jealous. I think of them constantly and of him with them. I constantly compare myself with them. Am I prettier than this one? Am I smarter than that one?
KATIE: That’s a very painful way to live sweetheart! It’s painful to try to manipulate the man you love, to spend your time plotting how you can get rid of people he loves, or wondering if you are as good as they are. Who’s business is it whom he sleeps with?
WIFE: I hate this question.
KATIE: You hate it because you’re been holding on to your pain for your dear life. You’re holding on to your thought of “I’m right and he’s wrong. I’m the good one and he’s the villain.” Would you rather be right or be free?
WIFE: I’d rather be free. I really would. I’ve had enough of these miseries.
KATIE: So who’s business is it whom he sleeps with?
WIFE: It’s his business. I know that. It’s his business, not mine.
KATIE: And who’s business is it whom you sleep with?
WIFE: It’s my business.
KATIE: He should sleeps with you only, is that true? What’s the reality of it? He doesn’t. He sleeps with other women. That’s the reality of it. It doesn’t go along with our morality. It doesn’t go along with what society would teach us. It’s what is. It’s an outright lie that he should sleep with you only when he doesn’t. What happens inside you when you believe the thought that he shouldn’t sleep with other women?
WIFE: I hate him.
KATIE: And how does that feel inside you?
WIFE: Awful. I just want to die.
KATIE: And how do you treat him when you believe the thought that he should be faithful to you?
WIFE: I raged at him. I cut myself off. I close my heart.
KATIE: Is that pretty painful?
WIFE: It’s horrible.
KATIE: The reason you experience pain and loneliness is that you’re mentally in his business and it didn’t leave anyone here present with you. Of course you’re lonely. She’s over there with him. You’re over there with him. Everyone is over there with him and there’s no one here with you. You think he’s supposed to be here with you but you can’t even do it. He leaves you. You leave you. What’s the difference? The way to stay present is to question your thought. He shouldn’t sleep with other women, is that true?
WIFE: I would be much better off if he was with me and not her.
KATIE: Can you absolutely know that that’s true? He’s not responsible for your misery. You are. You’re believing a lie and that’s what is causing your pain. Can you see a reason to drop this thought that argues with reality “he should sleeps with me only?”
WIFE: Yes. I hate to suffer.
KATIE: I see we come from the same school. And please don’t try to drop it. No one can drop a thought. We’re just seeing a reason to drop it. Can you see a reason to believe that thought?
WIFE: No
KATIE: Who would you be without that thought?
WOMAN: I wouldn’t hate him so much. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so betrayed. I don’t know if I can open my heart to him again, but at least I would be more understanding.
KATIE: Sweetheart, an open mind is an open heart. Who knows what you would feel and how you would treat him if you didn’t believe that thought about him. Who would you be in his presence if you didn’t believe that thought that he should get rid of his other women? Close your eyes. Picture him with them. Look at his face without any belief that he should choose you. Can you see him?
WIFE: Yes. He’s beautiful! He looks happy.
KATIE: That’s unconditional love! That’s who you really are. Now turn it around.
WOMAN: I am angry with me because I didn’t choose me as my one and only. I carried all those other women around in my head with me.
KATIE: Turn it around again.
WOMAN: I’m angry with me because I didn’t choose him as my one and only.
KATIE: You didn’t choose to love him just as he is. The one and only person who is him. And if you want to be monogamous, you can say, “Sweetheart, I love you just the way you are. I love it that you want 10 women. I want you to have what you want and I need to leave you now. I’m monogamous and I want a monogamous partner.” That’s choosing him as your one and only, the one you love unchanged. It’s just that you don’t live with him now. But whether you stay with him or leave him, you never have to close your heart. And then you may notice the next person in front of you is your one and only, in the moment when he’s with you and that you don’t required him to be anything but what he is. Unconditional love doesn’t need to dictate the form.
Comments (11)
omg trim. I don’t have words for this. Thank you so much for this post. Thank you-really.
…she’s 8 weeks old. Lilo Nguyen-Bui –taking my bf’s last name
she’s black with white patch on the back and tail, 2 front white socks and 2 back gray socks.
Lilo Nguyen-Bui
isn’t she adorable?
You can see more of her at the photo section ^___^.
oh, can’t see the pix then =/
well, there are some links
http://x1c.xanga.com/b62a746b7333270295756/t47263900.jpg
http://x10.xanga.com/cbca95600043470295749/t47263896.jpg
the rest is at the photo section. =)
Great post. Very inspirational. educational, and spiritual.
Agree! Nice posts! Nice site!
very good post sweetie
wow! more!!
KATIE: So who’s business is it whom he sleeps with?
WIFE: It’s his business. I know that. It’s his business, not mine.
Byron Katie is super lighthearted bs. She uses the exact same process for every single problem and all of them involving giving up and to stop fighting. That doesnt solve the problem of him cheating, it just makes it easier to deal with by saying “oh he doesnt respect you or your relationship but thats okay just accept it” “wow okay i feel better now that i realize that”
If the man prefers to sleep with other women, it doesn’t sound like he’s loving anybody…even himself.
Ok…call me jaded because my last guy cheated on me.
mbbrad4d, this is who he is at the present moment. This is reality and it is what is. It is insane to argue with reality because it only win 200% of the time. The reality is that he sleeps with other women. It may be that he doesn’t love anyone else or it may be that he loves everyone else. He is who he is. She gets angry because he broke her bubbles, her fairy tale (her beliefs and expectations.)
We also have a tendency to fix others. We want for them to do what we think is right, just, moral or good for them, according to our beliefs and values. We tend to see our man for who we think he should be and not for who he really is. And when he doesn’t turn out like the way we expected, we get really dissapointed. We focus outward and trying to fix him or the outside environment. We think we know what’s best for our man and others. We act as if we are God. Who needs God when we are here? We think that we are righteous and there is nothing wrong with us. If we look deeper, our ego is fearful and it is trying to protect itself, “me.” So, we try to fix or cling to the fixing of another person of make us happy.
It is never anyone’s responsibility to make us happy. We must question our thoughts, beliefs, values, (our ego.) These are the fairy tales and most fairy tales don’t come true in real life.
i guess at some point in time the ‘wife’ will ‘wake up’ from the sea of hatred she lives in…and start to breathe and live normally again……it takes time!!