July 3, 2006
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It is so hard to let go of the things that cause us pain and sadness. Perhaps we are not convinced that these things are causing us pain. If we look hard, we will see the investments in the pain and sadness. When we talk about our pain and sadness to others, we get sympathy. Everybody is sympathetic to the person who is in pain. If we love getting sympathy from people we cannot drop our pain and sadness; this is our investment.
I noticed that when I am in pain and feeling sad, I get more sympathy and attention from my family and friends (that is as long as they are not the cause of my pain, otherwise they would call me names and accuse me of manipulating, controlling, and playing the victim role J.) Everybody takes care of me. My spouse becomes more loving. The kids behave extra well. Friends call to see if I am okay. But most of the time, I am a pleasurable person to be with. Of course, in this stage, the family and friends withdraw their sympathy and attention. It is as if everybody becomes hard and frozen. If I want attention, I have to ask, beg, or sometimes demand. And if I am lucky, I get five minutes of undivided attention. It is like the happier I am, the more I find that nobody cares. How can anyone drop any pain and sadness this way?
As long as I desire attention and sympathy, it will be hard to let go of the things that cause me pain and sadness because that very things also bring me attention and sympathy.
Why do we give attention to those that are generating pain and sadness and neglecting those that are generating pleasure and happiness? Do we want to perpetuate a society that rewards unhappiness and punish happiness?
Comments (12)
You have asked a good and relevent question,..my dear,..and I wish that I knew the answer!!
although the sympath factor may be a part of it, i think the real road block from letting it go is how much we identify ourselves with a particular pain or problem. For example I am an insomniac and it is a fairly large part of my life/identity. Although I’d happily get rid of it if i could, i find myself referencing itself often.
I think it’s the squeeky wheel syndrome. The squeeky wheel gets the grease. It’s not a difference in the level of caring, it’s just that when you squeek you get a dose of grease.
Great article! Unfortunately, I have noticed such things happen. Once I get into high school, I hope to distribute more attention among my peers. I’ve found that every person has at least something I can agree with, and that thought appeals to me very much.
By the way, excellent music, though I can’t understand it.
ronlawhouston, one way of showing others that we care is by devoting our time and attention to that someone or something. How can we show the non-squeaky wheel that we care at the same level that of the squeaky wheel? If we spend more time atteding to the squeaky wheel, how can we have time attending to the non-squeaky wheel?
In a perfect world no one would need grease and everyone would be content just as they are.
I read about this exact thing you’re describing in one of my favourite books. it’s the world of “woundology”… no letting go of a wound, and not moving on simply because being in the position of the victim give us a sense of power. Interesting dynamic that you talk about here trimtab. I love the topics that you bring up.
Happy 4th of July dear. =)
if something is massaging you gently and something is burning you, you’re going to notice the thing burning you and ignore the gentle massage. It’s part of our survival instinct to notice things that are hurting us to make them stop ASAP.
somewhere in our head, we retain this pain as a shield for future encounters. sad thing is, not every similar circumstance results with the same outcome.
Sometimes I wonder why too. But sometimes this kind of attention just spoils people and they keep on being depressed so that people can treat them extra nice. Which bothers me because I know people like that and they certainly don’t drop the pain. They hold onto it. And I don’t want to sound mean but it’s sometimes annoying, it brings everyone around you down and sometimes you just get tired of telling them everything’s going to be ok.
I mean, it’s part of life. Everything is going to be ok eventually. Things go up and things go down. *shrug*
Hope you had a great 4th of July holiday !